Standing Still

The other night I had a party to go to. I knew it would be fun, I knew my friends would be there, I knew I would laugh and gossip and probably see a celebrity or 2. But I was feeling under the weather, I had been going out almost every day for the past week and my social calendar certainly wasn't lacking prior to that. And I knew I could rally. I'm a big believer in "go" and "do" and I've talked myself into things in the past with the best results. But that day I just couldn't.

So I went home instead. And didn't do anything- or at least none of the normal things that I do on the rare night at home. I didn't clean, I didn't (really) cook, I completely ignored the monstrous pile of laundry. I took out some crackers and then opened up a tin of smoked trout. I didn't pour a glass of wine, I didn't curl up on my couch. I just stood in my kitchen in my sweats, watching a Seinfeld episode followed by How I Met Your Mother and forked out the trout onto cracker after cracker and enjoyed every minute of it.

I know I talk often about how non-stop my life is. To the point where you're probably like stop complaining already and just enjoy yourself. Which trust me, I do enjoy myself. But I also know that deep down, this is not me. If my blog is any kind indicator, I'm truly a homebody at heart. Absolutely not a person who stays home all the time but a person who goes out 2 times a week... not 7. And I used to be really good at saying no. No to happy hour, no to parties, sometimes even no to meeting up with friends- which makes me cringe now because yes, I was "that girl." You know who she is, we all have one in our lives. The girl who meets a guy and from that point on she's completely MIA. Believe it or not but that was me.

My breakup rocked me to my core because it wasn't just about losing love, it was also about losing something that I was so focused on and worked so hard and intensely for and there was nothing I could do. It went against all my preconceived notions that the harder you work the greater the reward. A relationship is 2 people and if one of them isn't in it, well then it's done.... in a nutshell that's what happened, as I don't want to be one to drag the nitty-gritty details all over the blogosphere (even though I suspect 90% of my readers are family members and were there in the midst of it, helping me pick up the pieces of my shattered self- which, thank you!). But I feel I allude to this event enough on here and to be honest it was a turning point in my life as I know it now. My little blog wouldn't be here, my social life would be that of the devoted (albeit unmarried) housewife and I certainly wouldn't be contemplating certain things that have cropped up. I would be saying no left and right to everything but him and when I think about that, especially in where I've come since then I just shake my head. Love truly does crazy things, and changes a person, but I'll never let it happen in that blind devotion, lemming-esque way again.

But I also have to ask myself why I'm constantly on the go. I love life, getting out there and experiencing and of course I feel like I want to make up for the time I missed, but I know I was also not comfortable in my skin. I didn't want to be single, I didn't want to be alone and in a sense I was dragged kicking and screaming to this state. So to help ease the transition, I avoided myself, avoided being alone and I made myself say yes to everything. Which brought me to here. And while I love here, I also love standing in my kitchen, in my home, not feeling like I have to do anything and indulging in something I love.

This post has been a long time coming but honestly I need to say this and I'm finally ready and I think that if I waited any longer it wouldn't be absolutely reflective and relevant. Because right now I am here, living the non-stop life, but I think in the possibly very near future I will not be, or at least not to this extent. Here is where I say it out loud, as loud as I can at this point at least, but I think I finally can because I've reached that point. Standing in my kitchen I realized that I wasn't lonely, I didn't miss being amidst people, and I also didn't miss my previous life as the devoted girl. And I am not going into any sort of life of seclusion but I'm no longer uncomfortable and unhappy being alone, and that in itself is a wonderful revelation on many different fronts, especially given how much I need to be this person for other future things to come.